In his image

May 4^th, 1990, a warm spring night in Kingston, New York. The phone rang and broke the tense silence. I looked at my wife standing beside me and carrying our first unborn child in her tummy into the 9^th month. I picked up the phone thinking I was ready for the inevitable. From the sounds of the disturbed signal, I knew it was a call from home, Madras. “Hello, Mr. Ramesh. This is Dr. Gopal…” There was a distinct pause. He continued. “I’m sorry to say that your father has been declared dead.”

Those words and that moment have melded into my being ever since. They ring clear and loud in my ears even now, 24 years since my father decided to take abode in heaven. And even more alive he is – in me. I feel him in his deepest being as I walk his path through life as a father, husband, son, brother and friend. I often ask myself the question “What was dad going through in his life at this age that I am now? How did he handle this situation?” Those basic questions, which I have asked myself over and over again and continue to, have been the threads of the most beautiful relationship that I have had with my father since the phone rang back in 1990. I am in his image.

Born on December 16^th, he was a true Sagittarian. Gifted with a strong intellect and a penetrating thought process, he reveled in deep discussions on ethics, morality, politics, philosophy and religion. He loved to laugh loud and never spared a moment to display his witty nature and free spirit. He lost himself in the humor of P.G. Wodehouse. We, his children, were his friends. Our friends were his friends too! He had style and panache when it came to dressing. Shorts, tennis shirt, moccasins, golf hat, dark glasses and a pipe hanging from his pursed lips, he looked like a character straight out of a Desmond Bagley thriller! He had class! He held a family record of owning 25 different models of cars over time. He loved to travel. He knew the roads of Tamil Nadu so well that he could put a GPS to shame. A post-graduate in History and Political Science from the then famous Presidency College, he also played cricket for Madras University as an opening batsman and wicketkeeper. Above all, he was the most gentle and loving human being and blessed many lives as a son, brother, husband, father, grandfather and friend. A Sagittarian myself, I have inherited many of his fine qualities (except that I am still directionally challenged on the road; my wife will attest to that!). Yes, I am in his image.

My Dad and I share a quiet moment together circa 1981 in our beautiful home in Annanagar, Madras.

Life put my father through its paces. Good times and not so good times. Growing up with him, I have seen his challenges and the miracles. The wins and the losses. Quite often I sit down with my mother, now 82, and we talk about my father’s glorious life. He was the father of five wonderful children and a loving husband. He was the hero, who somehow came through tough spots, to save his family even as he kept them laughing and cared for. My mother tells me secret details of what my dad had to endure through his challenges, something I could have never guessed back then. My heart shatters! The things he sacrificed for his family and done so with grace. Through thick and thin, how did he manage to hold us all together with so much love that I have only happy memories of my childhood? I have seen my own share of challenges, victories, losses and miracles. Thanks to the gray streaks on my otherwise black locks, I relate to him even better now. I can now feel and understand what might have gone through his mind, and how his heart would have been torn between demands, both reasonable and unreasonable. I understand how he laughed and loved. “What was dad going through in his life at this age that I am now? How did he handle this situation?” As I ponder these questions each day, I feel connected with him. I get the answers. I am in his image.

Here’s a treasure that my father gave me. He personally typed it, fixed the typos and mailed it to me right before his last days. I am sharing it with you.

The Art of Living

To give the best that is in you though it cost you what it may.

To seek a touch of heaven in your dealings of each day.

To leave bitter things unsaid though it may relieve your heart.

To look for goodness under strange acts of spite and hate.

To keep hoping for the best and to let harsh judgment wait.

To hold the lamp of patience above weariness and strife.

These are things that matter in the long run for life.

OM: PEACE

Thank you Appa. I am in your image.