Farther, in my image

Baton in hand, I hear the crowds cheering as I run and turn the corner of 29 years as a father. Breathing hard and taking in ample amounts of oxygen, I press forward with the support of every sinew and muscle in my body. Coming around this 29^th bend I clearly see my two children, ready to take the baton from my hands and start their own journey of parenting in the near future. I’m getting ready to hand off my baton, as beads of sweat remind me of the toil and the pleasures of my journey as a dad thus far. I’m feeling a deep sense of happiness and calm.

Through the graciousness of my wife of 30 years, I have come to be the father of the two most wonderful children. Fatherhood is like a relay race where the baton of love is passed from one generation to another. The race is not with anyone else but with oneself and time. There are many hurdles along the way, despite which, the magic of the natural urge to hold on to the baton and to pass it on unfolds. The relay race of fatherhood has transformed me into the person that I am today, revealing to me who I am and teaching who I could become.

Let me reflect on four key incidents that have had indelible impacts on who I am today as a father and a person.

The power of living in the moment and listening are immense. Many times, I caught myself telling my little children to go away because I was seemingly busy. Honestly, I found this very unsettling. I took my conundrum to a learned man from the Himalayas (I met him in Portland, OR). He smiled and said “if all you have is 1 minute for your child, be sure you give 100% of the 1 minute to the child! Live in the moment!”. That nugget of advice helps me to be the best listener that I can ever be in any setting.

Being with family is what matters most. As I chased the pinnacles of the corporate ladder for many years, I realized that the price I was paying was the time with my family. That night in 2006 and hundreds of miles and days away from home, I was in the throes of solving a business problem for my customer. My phone rang; it was 10 PM. My son was on the line. “Hi daddy, I need help with a math problem. Can you help me?” he asked. Then he went on to read out an equation that he was trying to solve. As I heard each variable of the equation being read out to me, I also heard a clear voice within me saying “:..this is not right; you have a different problem to solve for a different customer. You need to be home helping your son…”. That moment of clarity was powerful. Right then I decided to resign from my job that kept me away from my family for days together. It was a leap of faith as I did not even have my next job lined up at that time. It all turned out right.

Be empathetic and patient. I was my teenage daughter’s to-go parent for math help. But somehow my good intentions as a math teacher did not always result in positive outcomes. My impatience and rigid ways served neither the teacher nor the student. Within minutes, both my daughter and I would blow up and walk away in anger and frustration. Noticing this pattern, my wife offered some valuable counsel to me. She said “remember, you are the adult!”. That was life-changing! Thanks V! I have since imbibed that piece of advice into my consciousness and it helps remind me that I should be empathetic and patient with everyone.

Your children are born through you and not to you. One day in 2010, I was tuned into National Public Radio and driving to work when I heard the radio host say, “Your children are born through you and not to you”. I literally stopped on my tracks. She was discussing the poetry of Khalil Gibran, a Lebanese-American writer, poet and visual artist (1883 – 1931). Here’s what Khalil penned (http://www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html):

Deep introspection helped me understand what Khalil really meant. That one sentence I heard on NPR has helped take an unattached view of my relationship with my children. Since then I see my children as independent and free fellow-humans for whom I am responsible. I learn from them. We play, laugh and cry together. I respect them for who they are and what they strive for. I listen and communicate with an open mind to learn from them. I let them be themselves.

Many years ago, I received the baton from my father. In his image, I held on to the baton and cleared hundreds of hurdles along the way. Today I am happy to know that I have prepared my children to carry the baton forward. They are ready to go farther, in my image.

Happy Father’s Day!